Ha ha, my last journaly was so flegmatic ... xD oh. well, it varies, sometimes it's hurried, hyper and my writing becomes splintered because I can't calm down and collected my thoughts.

The lovely book I mentioned is Stalinin Lehmät, Stalin's Cows as direct translation, by a Finnish (and partly Estonian) brain-bopping author Sofi Oksanen. I just began her second book Baby Jane and am already bent around its pages... pity I have to study and concentrate on schoolbooks. I shouldn't even be writing this, in a consience sense; writing takes so much time for me, even with pitifully short text messages...9_9

Still Oksanen got me dreaming of writing something to publish, if not books then comics scripts which I've been wanting to start doing so long, but yes, her language is so beautifully twisting. The themes do seem extreme, almost scandalous, but in the end she handles it so naturally that both sides are shown, the exciting and the realistic without any glamour.

I briefly met Oksanen, as she was visiting Kallio Library. After Stalinin lehmät I was drroling for Baby Jane, and it was exceptionally 20e, so I bought it (which I don't do much as books tend to be costly and not so frequently used, which is why I appreciate books in libraries more than dusting at home. But there were 170 reservations for 5 books at the library web, so it was the only way to get it), and we exchanged some words as she signed it. I didn't mind sounding childlishly weird and asked if she would draw something, an octopus for example. She hesitated a moment, then said she preferred writing something, and she wrote "Love never dies". Almost cliché, but coming from her it was kind of heart-warming.

Of course I would've loved to chat with her further, because the impression I have her of her books and interviews is good and interesting, but I was feeling so tired and lame that I left straight. I was a bit disappointed with myself for skipping the chance, but I knew I wasn't in a mood for talking with strangers, and my thoughts were stuck on other things than her books. Still I didn't have any stupidness-feelings either, which is healthy. I was shallow and forgot to say many things that wouldn't have taken much energy, I even forgot to praise the 1st book besides saying she doesn't need to draw well with the way she writes, but it doesn't matter much, as I doubt it matters to her if someone random is lame. If there's another such occasion though I hope I'll say my things without feeling timid, because I did, naturally, and naturally of me. Having read her thoughts and seen her pictures I guessed it was going to be strange to meet her in flesh, and it was. I was so busy wondering what she was thinking, how she felt and other things I have a disturbing habit of concentrating on, that all my thoughts having anything other, anything sensible to do with her quickly leaked out, and evaporated with a shoo...

Of course possibly she wouldn't have got anything out of my true opinions either, maybe there wouldn't have been anything touching or new to her, but it often feels stupid when people who would like to don't get straight feedback from their works, even though they're vastly appreciated. And I'd expect she wants feedback, coming to conventions and interviews, though they're also part of the promotion. And she hinted herself there hadn't been much coming straight to her to talk about the first book, and sounded a bit disappointed, not in a sad but a blunt way. Moi, I've been so impressed by some people's works that I want to converse with the artists while they still live and I have the chance. I might always be dissapointed, (it's common) but I will be more if I don't try. I certainly wasn't disappointed in Oksanen, she was calm but sharp as in her writing, answered well and seemed very kind, open and sincerely interested in my opinions (until she noticed I wasn't going to say anything very real). But still, I'd want to point out some things to her that I was very glad she expressed in her books. She's very loud and clear about some taboos, in a good way, not for seeking attention to herself but for the situation. I appreciate her boldness in that.

I'm getting tired so I'll write down 3 things fast:

I adore well-made documents picturing the world as fascinating rather than dull, being interesting and educating (rare), and broadening views... I want to start seeing movies regularly more often as they can be so great. I want to start doing everything =_=; but nature documents so prove that reality is sometimes more imaginative than fantasy, or however the saying is put in English.

Secondly, I love it how my wise friends can calm me down, when I rush into wrong conclusions and think fatally of everything. How comforting it is~.

Thirdmore-ly, I pondered more about how I can hold fantasy violence beautiful and loathe actual violence deeply. A discussion for example: I hyped for the ahh bloody saga of Blade of the Immortal for example whilst my friend calls it Blade of the Immoral for quite understandable reasons. But after a quick rewinding, I think there are two clear reasons, firstly that fantasy violence is perfect for channeling aggression. Of course I'd like to hurt people sometimes, but I also know it's just the thought that makes me happy, and that I would despise myself for enjoying cruelty. Although, cruelty is complex... it's so yum and so inethical. I guess I have too many connotations with the slightest cruelty and good sex or something... I can just wonder why... o_o Or then I just get Tori Amos's lovely song Cruel in my head, and I just love it and lick my lips.

The other is the esthetics of martial arts, how it could be thought as dancing combined to cruelness = pretty fascinating. Martial arts IRL are good for defending oneself, of course, I just hope people wouldn't get too happy about kicking someone's ass, although it's always nice being on top. My other friend likes the thought she could hurt people, and I understand her, whilst thinking that I hope she would never truly want to kill anyone or anything. Pondering whether I would, I remember I used to entertain myself with the thought of how I'd torture and slay a person I hated (a bully at junior high, who was sometimes really threatening but sometimes just desperate and sad), and found it an effective way of anger management. Today I think it would've been better to confront it somehow rather than caress the idea of revenge, but it was so hard to deal with him then. For clearance, I don't think it was exceptionally Horror bullying, he just harassed some people about everything. The really good thing is some of them were my friends and we could be puzzled of him together instead of thinking there was actually something wrong with us and not him. But some offences always got through anyway, and I spent hours with that kid every day, just wishing I could kill him.

I'm going to get some tea again, goodnight.
And I miss the times I took care of my DA-home, it's gotte a bit crappy, haven't read my mailbox in years, soorryy... I don't have the energy and time for that right now. Now it seems I just write some thoughts I want to save here. But soon, soon my love~.